Happy Holidays from all of us at I Couldn’t Do Your Job and Harbor Hospice and Harbor Palliative Care!
In this episode, Cheri and Amy discuss multiple aspects of how families cope and maneuver through loss during the Holiday Season. This could be experiencing loss for the first time or having a terminal illness during this time of year. This episode is filled with grace, hope, compassion, and finding ways to make new memories filled with Holiday cheer.
If you or someone you know needs extra support with grief during this time, please do not hesitate to reach out to our grief support staff at 231.728.3442 or 1.800.497.9559
If this episode resonated with you please feel free to share!
As Cheri always says, “Remember to enjoy the day for what it has to offer!”
Announcer 0:00
Welcome to “I Couldn’t Do Your Job” a Harbor Hospice podcast hosted by Cheri Montambo, Harbor Palliative Care nurse and Amy Geldersma, Harbor Hospice social worker. I Couldn’t Do Your Job. It’s brought to you by Harbor Hospice and Harbor Palliative Care, your journey, your terms, their expertise. More information at www.harborhospicemi.org.
Amy Geldersma 0:35
Hello. I’m Amy social worker with harbor hospice. Welcome back to the I couldn’t do your job Podcast. I’m here with Cheri today.
Cheri Montambo 0:44
Hello. How are you?
Amy Geldersma 0:45
She’s our wonderful nurse with our palliative care team, and we are. I don’t know about you, Sherry, but from my vantage point right now, looking out my window, I can see I’ve got three trees in my backyard. One has no leaves, one has about half of the leaves, and one has about quarter of the leaves left.
Cheri Montambo 1:09
Yeah, it’s definitely been a weird fall, transitioning to winter, I think this year, with warm weather, then snow, then lots of rain. It’s done a number on the emotions of summer, or the emotions of the trees changing, the seasons changing, and I think that can lend itself to doing a funny emotion in ourselves. So I think we underestimate how much the weather can even play into our emotional state heading into holidays.
Amy Geldersma 1:46
Yeah, I agree with you there, and I I’m assuming most of our listeners are probably in Michigan, but if there are any that are in a warmer climate, maybe they don’t know what that’s like, but they’re
Cheri Montambo 1:59
the smarter ones, I’m pretty sure, being somewhere warmer, and
Amy Geldersma 2:03
it’s kind of interesting, you know, with these different trees I have in my yard, how it’s so fascinating to me, how they’re all dropping their leaves at a different rate. That’s unique to the trees this year. And I think that’s a kind of a wise analogy to how each one of us might feel heading into the winter season, which is also considered the holiday season. You know, a lot of our big holidays are in the winter time, and I agree with what you were saying about how there’s just a different feel when we head into this season, sometimes there are positive things that strike me, but generally I have my emotion is that of maladjustment. I’m having a hard time not going outside as much, or when I do feeling miserably cold, anticipatory
Cheri Montambo 3:00
type emotions, and that, like you said, can be for the positive, you know, excited for potentially spending time with loved ones and family and friends that we haven’t seen in a while. And that can bring, bring excitement. But then there’s also stress, anxiety, you know, anticipating. Do I have all the food items? Do I need have? Do I have all the presents potentially, that I need to buy? Have I, you know, prepared myself to handle with, handle the difficult loved one that always seems to get my dander up? Have I mentally gone through that checklist, you know, to make sure that I’m not reactionary to them, that I am ready to be as polite as I can be for just peace of the season,
Amy Geldersma 3:51
there’s a lot of pressure, I think, going into the holiday season. And some of the things you talked about resonate with me too, and I find that most often I look forward to familiar feeling of the holidays, you know, the traditions and the faces that I’ll see, and so I recognize that that must be especially hard for people who will have a massive change and those feelings this year and a lot of time, that’s because of, you know what we see experiences because of sickness or loss of somebody, and that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I I feel like just within my circle of people, in my my work world, in my community, I’ve just become so aware of so many people recently, just in the last couple weeks, that have experienced loss, some of it expected because of illness, and a number of them very sudden and unexpected, elderly people and babies and anybody in between. And I just keep thinking about what those days ahead will look. Like for them, and then you throw in the holidays, and it just feels like it could bulldoze you.
Cheri Montambo 5:10
Absolutely. Yeah, I,
Cheri Montambo 5:13
I agree. And as I think of specifically people that we interact with in our our work life. You know people that are suffering with illnesses of varying types a just finding out news going into the holidays, how do you handle having mixed emotions of excitement and getting us to be happy to be with family yet people expecting you to be more somber because you have a serious illness, say you’re battling cancer, and you’ve been battling cancer, and all of a sudden you get told that the treatment is not working that well anymore, and you gotta consider a different type of treatment. We are going into the holidays, and you’re in a good spot mentally. So how do you handle having those same emotions, and how do you know when and at what point in time to share excitement and happiness and show sadness and expect your family members to know how to process that all at the same time as well?
Amy Geldersma 6:16
Yeah, talk about pressure. That’s like the worst kind of pressure you could feel during the holidays, and you know, like you touched on a little bit earlier, know that naturally, people within a family or a group of people getting together will have different perspectives and opinions on things, and most families can anticipate that at certain gatherings. But then when you have an issue like a terminal illness or the loss of somebody, you know that you’re faced with at that time too, you know, then you’re kind of afraid of judgment and like, am I responding to this in the way that people think I should be
Cheri Montambo 7:00
exactly that’s got to be a very real issue to deal with. Of not only am I having to wrestle with where I feel and how am I feeling, but what are the expectation of how other people feel I should be feeling, and that is a lot to deal with. And at the holidays, we see those family members, people that we maybe haven’t seen in a while, and so how do we what are some helpful tips from a social work side? Amy, that you would say, if I was saying to you, you know, I’ve got this family gathering coming up for the holidays, and I know they really want me. They believe that I should be sad and fighting, and I’m really content in that piece right now, but they don’t understand that. What would you tell me for advice on how to handle that gathering? Usually,
Amy Geldersma 7:53
when I talk to to my patients who are facing their illness leading up to the holidays, and that’s that’s something this time of year, I look forward to always asking my patients now, individually, how are you feeling about this holiday season? And I get a range of responses. You know, some people are they’re feeling very, very sad, and they feel a very large amount of pressure because they anticipate maybe it’s their last one. So how do they make sure that it’s great? Most of the time, it’s not their own experience they’re worried about. It’s that of their family. And so a lot of times, I’ll say, paint a picture for what the best last Christmas would look like, or what, what you would want this Thanksgiving to look like? And let them sit back and think for a minute about what is really important to them this year, because it probably looks a lot different than the other years. Or maybe they are striving for they want it to feel exactly how it always has, and so maybe they don’t want to talk about their illness, or maybe they’re on the the opposite end of the spectrum, and maybe at the holiday gathering, they plan to start assigning their items to give away to family members. I feel like the best thing a person can do who’s in that situation, if they’re the person who is ill or has the terminal illness, is to lean into whatever they feel is the path they want to take for that holiday, and then be up front with their loved ones prior. You know, you don’t want to catch people off guard. If the Thanksgiving meal isn’t going to look the same as it always has that year, make it known ahead of time if you’re planning to talk about some of those more uncomfortable topics, or give away belongings or something, then make sure that people know about it ahead of time. I
Cheri Montambo 9:50
think that’s a great advice. I think so many times the person that has, say the traumatic event or the illness or do. Dealing with the issue personally, feels all these pressures and anxieties and anticipatory worry about how things are going to go, and they haven’t stopped to say, Well, how would I like it to go? If it was up to me? How would I What would I find enjoyable? What would be peaceful? What would be my ideal? And once you can identify that, then you can articulate that to the others ahead of time, so that then it doesn’t hopefully end up in a conflict of emotions on the day of the event. I think most people, most family members, want to respect somebody with a serious illness and understand that there’s reasons, or this is what they would desire to have, and would like to honor that. But if you come into a blind sided you’re you haven’t had time to process it yourself as a family member or a friend, to be at peace with that. So I think that’s great advice.
Amy Geldersma 10:55
It’s all about expectations. You know you have to, you have to lay out expectations so that they can be you know, if there’s any adjustments or change, it can be managed ahead of time and not in the moment, because coping in the moment is never as strong as having time to prepare a little bit for how you might respond. And you know, another thing that I would like our listeners to hear is that when there’s somebody who is chronically or terminally ill around the holidays, and that’s maybe when the biggest gatherings or visits and things occur, that the ability to sustain their energy during those gatherings or visits may be so compromised that the thought of experiencing it at all just seems way too overwhelming and to really empower those that you know that are sick, whether it’s just a chronic illness, or whether you know that it’s a terminal illness, or even if it’s somebody who’s grieving and they’re physically and emotionally depleted, to ask them what they’re up for, you know, and put the ball on their court. Don’t lay on an expectation that things should be how they always are and then that that that might make things great. You know, when you’re not feeling well, whether it’s a giant emotional heartbreak, or whether it’s because you know you struggle to breathe, or you have constant pain going through with some of those normal traditions can be, frankly, just miserable. Yeah,
Cheri Montambo 12:36
what I hear you saying is talking about the gift giving season, we can give the gift of respect by simply asking, say, somebody has recently lost a loved one, a significant loved one, and so they’re not feeling up for the holidays. And we want things to be like normal, and get to have them feel just like they used to be, or just like the old times. But things have changed. They’ve lost somebody, and so asking that person this year, I recognize that you are really dealing with this loss. So what would be ideal for you for a gathering or a get together for the holidays? I think that’s a tremendous gift to give during the gift giving season.
Amy Geldersma 13:19
Agreed. I think that’s so powerful,
Cheri Montambo 13:25
and it’s so simple, it’s so simple, it’s almost ridiculous how simple that is. We want to be able to go physically do something, right? We want to buy something, or we want to put on this show like everything was like it was before and move, you know, move forward, but sometimes we just need to live in the moment and and just accept this is a different year, you know, not worry about the new norm or the old norm, but we are here at this moment, and we can make it beautiful, but we It may look different, yeah.
Amy Geldersma 14:00
And, and that goes for any special traditions. You know, you and I, I know we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I know this time year there are other celebrations in different cultures and faith traditions. And, you know, I can’t speak to the details of those, but generally, those involve people gathering together and celebrating as well. And I think that it’s a really delicate boundary between celebrating appropriately and celebrating in a way that may not be best for the well being of somebody who’s in a compromised state for the holiday. It’s so fragile, because you know, when you think about if you’ve got a loved one who’s maybe likely celebrating their last holiday, you don’t want to see that moment that holiday drift past without maybe. It, you know, the best one ever. But at the same time, the circumstances are just so different that it it’s maybe you have to accept that it’s not possible for that to look like what you maybe normally would think is the best holiday ever. My gift
Cheri Montambo 15:19
is going to try to beat respect. And maybe right now we haven’t had a physical loss of a person in my family, but still, that gift of respect of everybody is coming to the table, to the to the event in different places, emotionally and mentally, and just being respectful of that. And it may not look like it has every year. For one thing, my husband, his grandfather, who has passed that family gathering that get together of all big grandparents and siblings and cousins, is going to look really different. It’s a different location this year, and it’s going to feel different, but moving past it and saying, you know, be thankful that we’re still gathering and finding that silver lining and being respectful for those that are trying to still make an effort so that we can be together. So I think that is the biggest thing, is when we’re looking at supporting those that are grieving a loss or grieving their own physical illness, putting respect at the forefront. I think if you’re doing that and consciously wanting to look at it from their perspective, I dare say it’d be hard for you to go wrong if you’re looking through those lenses.
Amy Geldersma 16:31
Yeah, and I think you can take it even further to explore. You know, what do you find meaningful about the holidays? What is it that makes you want to see that same tradition carried out? Break that down? Is it? Is it because you have quality time with somebody? Is it simply because you really like a certain dessert and you get it once a year and you want to make sure you have it? Or do you really like the joy of physically giving somebody a gift. If you really break down why those holidays are so important to you, then you can still preserve that meaning, even if you have to change what you’re doing and sometimes changing the way you celebrate what’s most meaningful to you during that season. Can help create a new tradition, or it can make whatever is so meaningful feels so much more concentrated and rich because it’s not distracted by anything else. Well said, I
Cheri Montambo 17:38
have nothing to add. I mean, just well, well said that resonates. And I think for a lot of our listeners, whether they’ve experienced a loss or not, they can just take that into the holidays, or the holidays bring out that time where we kind of look a little deeper past our daily busyness and that we sure get that in the holiday times. But I think it presents the opportunity for us to look inside ourselves a little bit deeper for bigger meaning and bigger pictures.
Amy Geldersma 18:09
It’s, you know, the holidays are, they’re set aside for us to celebrate however we do. And you know, if, if you’re like me, those celebrations have looked pretty similar over the years, and it’s so easy to get attached to that, and it can be a really eye opening experience to find a new way to celebrate. I feel so blessed and fortunate that largely the way that my family celebrates hasn’t really been affected too much by loss. It’s hard at first, but to bend in the breeze a little bit can really be a positive thing, especially if you know that you will be celebrating with somebody who is hurting emotionally or physically.
Cheri Montambo 19:00
I think that if we can just again, continuing to bring light to the fact that there is grief that accompanies these times of celebration, and that that’s okay, but not allow it to be what consumes us. Focus on the things that we can change, recognizing the things that we can’t we’ll make it through, and we’ll make it through probably stronger. I so agree with you. We’re coming to a close of our podcast, and I’m so thankful for our listeners, and I hope people continue to, you know, download their favorite podcasts on their favorite podcast platform. You know, we’re thankful that we have people that listen and find benefit from I couldn’t do your job podcast. I know that I couldn’t be a grief counselor on a day to day basis, and today we just touched briefly on some of the basics that grief counselors do if you are experiencing. Seeing grief the these holidays, it’s not too late to reach out to harbor and their grief support and see what’s available, whether it’s virtual or group meetings or whatever it might be. So don’t hesitate to reach out to 231-728-3442, or look us up online for those kind of additional support, because you don’t have to do it alone. That’s also important, that this is not something you just have to figure out alone. There’s people that are willing to help you. But in the meantime, I think we will sign off today and always enjoy the day for what it has to offer.
Announcer 20:40
I Couldn’t Do Your Job. Produced and recorded by Black Circle Studios. Voice Over provided by Bernard Stewart, host of This is the Situation Podcast. Original Music by Mitch Henderson.
