Grief looks different for children than adults. They may express grief through play or artwork and can shift quickly between emotions, such as laughing one moment and crying the next. This is normal. A child’s understanding of death depends on their age, support systems, faith, culture, and previous experiences.
Considerations for talking to children about death and their feelings:
2-4 Years Old: At this age, children express themselves through behavior and play. They do not understand that death is permanent or universal. They may ask lots of repetitive questions, such as, “Will you die too?” or “When will mom be home?” Be honest and brief in your answers. Avoid euphemisms like “lost” or “passed on,” as these can be confusing. Use direct language like, “Daddy died. His heart quit working” or “Brother is dead, which means his body no longer works.”
5-8 Years Old: Children in this age range may feel responsible for the death and think it is reversible. Answer questions honestly, using clear, concise language. Children may ask the same question repeatedly. Allow them space to talk about their experience and provide answers. Avoid phrases like “We lost Grandma,” as this can be confusing. Instead, use “Grandma died.”
8-12 Years Old: At this age, children begin to understand that death is permanent and start processing how it affects them. They may feel guilty or think their actions caused the death. They might say things like, “If I hadn’t been angry at daddy, he wouldn’t have died,” or “If I had cleaned my room like mom asked, she wouldn’t have died.” Children may act out, have anxiety, or experience nightmares.
13-18 Years Old: Teenagers can better understand and process concepts about life and death. They may have thoughts like someone is on a long trip. They may dig deep into questions about life, death, or the meaning of life. Answer their questions honestly and allow them to express their feelings without trying to fix, change, or take away their emotions. Teens often turn to friends for support.